Dancing with Faeries

The stars were glitter
Raining down from the heavens
To dance with me
In my realm of make believe

The sky transformed
Like a caterpillar to a butterfly
First blue, then purple, then red
And finally orange, pink, and yellow

The colours fluttering away
As dawn took hold of the day
The air was cool and crisp in my lungs
As I emerged from the land of faerie. . .

Pulling Together and Falling Apart

Isn't it funny how you never know what you have until you really need it? Gotcha didn't I? You thought I was going to say "until it's gone" and well, that's true too. I always knew I had a lot of good friends but I never realized exactly what I had until my world was crumbling around me. As all the stars I'd ever wished on fell from the sky and smashed all I'd ever worked for, I suddenly had a wall of support and love protecting me. My friends rallied around me offering everything they could, even just a hug and a shoulder. It feels great to be so loved. And as I watch my life fall apart everybody I love is pulling together.

Never Enough

So often, I feel like such a bad child. I try so very hard. My hardest. But always I fall short. I'll never be good enough. You tell me about something I'm doing wrong and I accept it. I try to change it. I stop talking to certain people. I stop posting to certain places. I stop telling you about the pains that I feel. I give everything I have. And still, it is not enough.

Under This Shadow

I know that I will never be as good as her. And I know that I hardly have your love and what I've got will probably be all I will ever get. I love you with all of my heart. And all that matters to me is your happiness. I will never let you know how much the memory of her hurts me. And I will never let you know about the ache I feel knowing that I will always live in her shadow. You're right, it's not fair to me. But I choose this path. I choose you. You can have my whole heart, my full patience, and all the love I have for just this tiny piece of you. I know that you're always looking for something to give. For some damning flaw to appear. And I will accept this as well. My character is always in question but yours will always be secure. You're right. I worship you. I adore you. I believe with all of my heart that you are the most beautiful man in the world. I love you.

Falling

Your eyes are watching me. Staring out accusingly. What is it I have done to bring all of this on myself? My stomach churns with anxiety. I just don't think I can give the world all that it wants. It's such a cruel existence being here. This life holds me prisoner, yanking me about with it's every whim. I stare down into the abyss and I want to jump. Just give this struggle up. It's too difficult and I'm not strong enough.

My New Start

It's been a bumpy road. But remaking myself wasn't as hard as I thought. It was like a raging fire burned my soul out to ready me for new growth. Turns out this me that I've cultivated has always been there, just got a little lost. Buried under the pain and self loathing was a person I hadn't seen in a very long time. But she was better. I love this new me. I've never loved myself before.

Lets Go Chase Dreams

There it is. Those butterflies in your stomach. They're telling you that you've made it, that you've finally reached a position where you may possibly be able to chase your dreams. Maybe.

Now what are they? Where did they go? You had them at one point in time. I know you did. They were all cataloged and filed under aspirations. You must have aspired to greatness, to be something better than you are now. Bright pictures of the ideal life that you could live. Where is that box? It's gotta be in here somewhere. Wait! That's it! The lid is a little dusty and the corners are a little beat in but this box MUST hold greatness! Go on, open it up, look inside.

What? What is it? Why has your face fallen so? Was it not what you thought it would be? Let me look. Wow. A thousand sparkling shards of shattered dreams shining up at you. They must have been great. They must have been wonderful. Look at them twinkling like stars.

Don't feel sad at the loss of your dreams. You'll build new ones. Come, don't get down. Take my hand and lets go chase dreams.

Drowning

I lie here staring at the cracks in the wall. How did I end up in this place? It really doesn’t make much sense at all. Two years of marriage right down the fucking drain, I really must be quite insane. My life’s in pieces, blown away by the wind. I find myself with no personal space and really I have no expectation to this grace. I’m a squatter cohabiting with “friends”, struggling to stay afloat and everyone knows that I can’t swim. I choke on the pain consuming me, pulling me down to the depths of this sea.

Broken

I come here and lie at the feet of a disinterested deity, bound and broken. I have arrived at this place and been left for dead. Did I not work hard enough in life that I may find peace in death? I just wish to rest. Sleep an eternity of dreamless nothing. Escape the darkness of an evil existence. My very being has been tainted by the disease of humanity. I feel so cold, it's so hard to breathe. Is it finally time? How close I must be to freedom! I will finally shed the burden of this dieing shell and my broken mind will fall away as my soul slips into the here-after. Please take me into your arms, oh my Goddess! Please allow me oblivion. I am broken, there is nothing left of use. Set me free?

Love Unconditional

Looking back at your broken aspirations and upon your broken faith my heart aches. It hurts that you were put through so much pain and so completely taken apart that some of the pieces were completely lost. You are so beautiful and I love you for all that you are. Please believe me and do not let the filth of the world taint your view of me. You may not know me very well but what you see is what you get. I would do everything humanly possible to keep you from pain. All that matters to me is your happiness. I don't care who you end up with or what path you choose to follow as long as you are happy. It will hurt, of course, but the joy of your happiness is enough salve to ease the pain of my wound. I wish you all of the happiness in the world.

Raw

The music flows through you, radiating out. Your voice penetrates me, driving deep inside to the very center of who I am. My defenses are down and your every word strokes my soul. I offer up every piece of myself to you, body convulsing as you wash over me. The warmth of your skin against mine teases my senses. My mind reels with every new wave of emotion and energy, so pure. Your beautiful voice rings in my ears and I cry out in ecstasy. You are a vibrant stream and I let you carry me away.

Things are never as they seem.

These aching moments of total bliss wrapped in your arms are so relaxing. They calm my soul and send my body into a frenzy of ecstasy. My heart races faster and faster as my breath becomes more shallow. Wonder surges through me at how amazing you are. Your eyes turn toward me and time seems to stop as you offer up a small beautiful smile. I loose control and attack your lips with mine, my hands tangling in your hair. I love everything about you, even your flaws. It is such an honour to just get a few minutes with you and I love every second of the time I have with you. You seem to be so into me but there is this very strong thick wall. I know that you'll never let me in. And I know that you'll never love me. But the illusion I have is good enough for me because all I wish for you is happiness. Please do not feel guilty or worry that you will hurt me because I know things are never as they seem.

Wonderland isn't very wonderful.

I long to be in your arms. I ache to reach out and touch you. I want to make you happy. I love to see you smile and hear you laugh. I do not reach out for you though. You are already very happy with a smile pasted to your face and laughter hysterically flowing from your mouth. And I know that you do not want me to touch you. I feel so isolated and alone hiding over here in this corner. I just wanna cuddle but am left hugging myself. I am still awake no matter my exhaustion because I just lie here and hope so hard that you'll decide that you're interested in me. I wonder how I may unobtrusively gain your attention. You don't even look at me. It's like I am invisible. The invisible girl vying for your attention. And I force back the tears that are racing to flow from my eyes. I don't need for you to feel bad. I just want you to be happy no matter what. But I burn with longing for your gentle hands and strong arms. I adore you and you just seem so oblivious to it. And I drown in the oblivion. It hurts so bad. Wonderland isn't very wonderful.

A Confession

I never meant to tell you this way. I never even meant you to know. But somehow the words found their ways out my mouth and into existence right there in front of you. I can't remember all the details of all that I said but I do know the general meaning that my words carried. And if I made any sense at all, so do you. My body betrayed me. I sat there and poured my heart out like an idiot. As if I wasn't vulnerable enough already. I confessed my feelings with every bit of embarrassing conviction that I stupidly wear on my sleeve. What the fuck is wrong with me? Can't I keep my mouth shut? Can't even keep my own fucking secrets. I don't know what kind of damage I may have done but there is just no way of taking back the chunk of my heart that I ripped out and made so painfully visible to you.

This Little Red Box

Here it is. This precious gift. I thought long an hard about what to give you. I wondered what would show my feelings the best. I couldn't find a card that said everything I needed it to say and nothing that I could buy would express every emotion I wished to convey. I finally decided to take the most direct route and just show it all. Here is this little red box, topped with this big red bow I have poured everything that I have and all that I have left to show. It's not much but it cost me the world. This little red box inconspicuously holds all the tiny shards of my heart.

Time Inflames my Wounds

Emotional wounds are funny things. They never completely heal. While time heals physical wounds, it only inflames the not so tangible ones. I've been broken so many times and when I think it couldn't possibly hurt any worse it opens up and bleeds everywhere again. They tear open with memory triggers. Something someone says, a song from back in the day, a picture, a smell. . .anything associated with those painful memories can tear me wide open again. The blood coats everything in my life, discolouring it with my poisonous grief. Fresh tears burn my wounds and destroy any semblance of stability I might have been able to build. When the whole world is crumbling around me and I have nothing left to hang onto, the jagged red pieces of my heart begin to close up filling in with scar tissue. But the dull ache will always remind me of the pain.

Friends

Memories of laughter shared, a shoulder to cry on, a person to care. Strong arms to hold me tight, block out the darkness, shine in the light. Winds of change, rains of pain, stone erodes but love remains. Stronger than all human plight, guiding forces in my life. There for me when everyone fails. Someone to trust with all of myself. Time will tell in the end but you can never loose a true friend.

Lost

I feel so lost in this world of darkness. Chaos reins supreme. I am drowning in the coldness of my own self-hatred. There's no one to rescue me. I find it sad that I would go this way, crying and alone. Time has torn away at me, cut me to the bone. All the years I've worked so hard have all been spent in vain. Cause here I am before you now consumed by this pain.

What a fucking smile.

That smile. I've never seen anyone smile like that. It's so strange. So beautiful. The first time I saw it, I just couldn't stop staring. It's amazing. So much is locked up in it and I just want to unlock all the secrets of your smile. I keep seeing it. I close my eyes and there it is. It appears in my dreams and pops up in my thoughts. When I met you all those years ago, I didn't know you. You seemed so intimidating and I would never have guessed that you were hiding something so sweet behind that frown. Now that I know you, it's no surprise at all. You are every bit as hard core as I thought you were and you are so much more. I am so happy for the chance to get to know you. Every night you would fret over whether or not you were keeping me awake and every night I told you that you were most certainly not. What I didn't say was that I wanted to be up with you so that I could absorb you, take you in, know your soul. When you turned that amazing smile on me, all I could do was melt. It was like a ray of sunshine had sought me out just to warm my heart. What a fucking smile!

This Infinite Mediocrity

What time is it here in my mediocre world? I suppose the time doesn't matter quite so much. Everything is so bland, lifeless, colourless. Time is relative in the infinity of my sorrow. Just another day in my baseless existence as an unremarkable female human. My world used to be bright and beautiful but now it is filled with meaningless shapes and cold realities. I once dreamed so hard that even the harshness of life couldn't touch my hope. But now here I am living the dread life of the hopeless. I have been cursed with this needy lust for intimate human contact since my horrible fate has befallen me. A cycle of worthlessness and heartache is beginning to consume me. The intimacy only fills me with joy until I am no longer of worth to the interested party. I'm on the edge of the world ready to jump off into nothingness. I am disposable. I can be loved for a night, a day, or a week but eventually I will be thrown away because I'm nothing special. My life is spiraling deeper into self-loathing. I try to claw my way out. I can be happy for a time but something always snatches my happiness away. I reach out and cry for help. No one comes. I am so alone here in this infinite mediocrity.

Renewed Commitment: Lets get un-jaded. . .

Dearest dear, here I stand before you. Let's talk. You see we've had some issues for a while and I'll tell you I can't take anymore. Shape up or ship out and all that lovely jazz. Yeah we've been down this road twice before and I gotta tell you I'm getting tired of it. So here's the deal love. You need to start pullin your weight cause I'm sick and damn tired of carrying you. We're a family, we need to start acting like one. And in return my friend you get to keep your life intact. So let's un-jade me, sweet. We'll renew this commitment this one last time and see if it keeps.

Careful, those are the shattered pieces of my broken heart you're walking on.

Careful friend. Can't you see? Those things down there, are part of me. Sharp little pieces of my love. It hurts so bad. I just don't know what to do. I can't even find the words to explain this to you. My heart aches. It's a cold twisting pain. I don't know what to do without you! I'm sorry for the tears. But the pain is getting worse. I don't know how to handle this. I could tell you anything! I let you get to know me. The person I keep locked away. I opened myself up to you. You know me better than anyone else. Why does the happiness have to end? I cried myself to sleep last night, I didn't want you to see. But you knew anyway, cause you know me. I love too much and fall too hard. So here it is at a close and my words are still too tangled up inside. All I can get out is a simple warning.

Careful, those are the shattered pieces of my broken heart you're walking on.

Jaded Wife

If you won't pull your weight a woman will carry you. But even superwoman gets tired sometimes. But I am a wife and NOT superwoman. I'm not a hero to anyone but my kids. We need to get something straight. I've been made jaded. To all you who don't know what jaded means, here's a link for you http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jaded.

Now here's the deal. I won't pick your shit up anymore. Keep your damn kisses to yourself. You don't want to appologize? Fine, don't! But don't expect me to care anymore. I won't kiss your booboos. I won't fix your fuck ups. I'm sick and damn tired.

Husbands, think before you mistreat your wives. You don't want a jaded wife too.

A New Day

What a long month. What a long year. So many things have

happened in a decade. Looking back is hard. While everyone

else makes New Year resolutions I just look back. I do not

make resolutions because I always find myself breaking them

immediately and feeling like such a looser. Just one more

reason to get down on myself, so I stopped that long ago.

Now I just look back and learn from all the things that have

happened over the years. It's hard to realize that you are

not the person you had hoped you would be. Reliving the

hard moments and knowing that you fucked up. I have a

strange way of remembering. I can see vivid images in

my head flicking by like a slide show. You see yourself in

a different light, from a different angle. It's like a slap in

the face. But it's good for me to see the reality of everything,

no matter how much it hurts.

Then, after taking a ride through my memories I look on into

the first light of a new year, a new day, another chance to

dance the dance.