Lost

I feel so lost in this world of darkness. Chaos reins supreme. I am drowning in the coldness of my own self-hatred. There's no one to rescue me. I find it sad that I would go this way, crying and alone. Time has torn away at me, cut me to the bone. All the years I've worked so hard have all been spent in vain. Cause here I am before you now consumed by this pain.

What a fucking smile.

That smile. I've never seen anyone smile like that. It's so strange. So beautiful. The first time I saw it, I just couldn't stop staring. It's amazing. So much is locked up in it and I just want to unlock all the secrets of your smile. I keep seeing it. I close my eyes and there it is. It appears in my dreams and pops up in my thoughts. When I met you all those years ago, I didn't know you. You seemed so intimidating and I would never have guessed that you were hiding something so sweet behind that frown. Now that I know you, it's no surprise at all. You are every bit as hard core as I thought you were and you are so much more. I am so happy for the chance to get to know you. Every night you would fret over whether or not you were keeping me awake and every night I told you that you were most certainly not. What I didn't say was that I wanted to be up with you so that I could absorb you, take you in, know your soul. When you turned that amazing smile on me, all I could do was melt. It was like a ray of sunshine had sought me out just to warm my heart. What a fucking smile!

This Infinite Mediocrity

What time is it here in my mediocre world? I suppose the time doesn't matter quite so much. Everything is so bland, lifeless, colourless. Time is relative in the infinity of my sorrow. Just another day in my baseless existence as an unremarkable female human. My world used to be bright and beautiful but now it is filled with meaningless shapes and cold realities. I once dreamed so hard that even the harshness of life couldn't touch my hope. But now here I am living the dread life of the hopeless. I have been cursed with this needy lust for intimate human contact since my horrible fate has befallen me. A cycle of worthlessness and heartache is beginning to consume me. The intimacy only fills me with joy until I am no longer of worth to the interested party. I'm on the edge of the world ready to jump off into nothingness. I am disposable. I can be loved for a night, a day, or a week but eventually I will be thrown away because I'm nothing special. My life is spiraling deeper into self-loathing. I try to claw my way out. I can be happy for a time but something always snatches my happiness away. I reach out and cry for help. No one comes. I am so alone here in this infinite mediocrity.

Renewed Commitment: Lets get un-jaded. . .

Dearest dear, here I stand before you. Let's talk. You see we've had some issues for a while and I'll tell you I can't take anymore. Shape up or ship out and all that lovely jazz. Yeah we've been down this road twice before and I gotta tell you I'm getting tired of it. So here's the deal love. You need to start pullin your weight cause I'm sick and damn tired of carrying you. We're a family, we need to start acting like one. And in return my friend you get to keep your life intact. So let's un-jade me, sweet. We'll renew this commitment this one last time and see if it keeps.

Careful, those are the shattered pieces of my broken heart you're walking on.

Careful friend. Can't you see? Those things down there, are part of me. Sharp little pieces of my love. It hurts so bad. I just don't know what to do. I can't even find the words to explain this to you. My heart aches. It's a cold twisting pain. I don't know what to do without you! I'm sorry for the tears. But the pain is getting worse. I don't know how to handle this. I could tell you anything! I let you get to know me. The person I keep locked away. I opened myself up to you. You know me better than anyone else. Why does the happiness have to end? I cried myself to sleep last night, I didn't want you to see. But you knew anyway, cause you know me. I love too much and fall too hard. So here it is at a close and my words are still too tangled up inside. All I can get out is a simple warning.

Careful, those are the shattered pieces of my broken heart you're walking on.

Jaded Wife

If you won't pull your weight a woman will carry you. But even superwoman gets tired sometimes. But I am a wife and NOT superwoman. I'm not a hero to anyone but my kids. We need to get something straight. I've been made jaded. To all you who don't know what jaded means, here's a link for you http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jaded.

Now here's the deal. I won't pick your shit up anymore. Keep your damn kisses to yourself. You don't want to appologize? Fine, don't! But don't expect me to care anymore. I won't kiss your booboos. I won't fix your fuck ups. I'm sick and damn tired.

Husbands, think before you mistreat your wives. You don't want a jaded wife too.

A New Day

What a long month. What a long year. So many things have

happened in a decade. Looking back is hard. While everyone

else makes New Year resolutions I just look back. I do not

make resolutions because I always find myself breaking them

immediately and feeling like such a looser. Just one more

reason to get down on myself, so I stopped that long ago.

Now I just look back and learn from all the things that have

happened over the years. It's hard to realize that you are

not the person you had hoped you would be. Reliving the

hard moments and knowing that you fucked up. I have a

strange way of remembering. I can see vivid images in

my head flicking by like a slide show. You see yourself in

a different light, from a different angle. It's like a slap in

the face. But it's good for me to see the reality of everything,

no matter how much it hurts.

Then, after taking a ride through my memories I look on into

the first light of a new year, a new day, another chance to

dance the dance.