Birthday Contemplations: Another year. . .different but still the same.

I didn’t realize it. Not a year ago. Not even three years ago. I guess maybe I’d forgotten. Perhaps with age the sharpness that keeps me fierce had dulled. Perhaps.

Growing and changing. It’s all a natural part of dying. Dying, because the very second we start to live so too do we begin to die. Kind of a bleak outlook but real and true and right. Right as I’ve always felt since I began accepting the changing. To fight who you are, who you are to become, only brings wrong. And in wrongness we will forever be lost. I remember when I stopped fighting it. When I stopped hating who I was to be.

Seventeen. Seven years have passed. And the passage of time, of changes, has brought me now to today. Twenty-three years ago on this day, I was born. A blank page. The road before me rough and the world outside dark. Do you believe in fate? I don’t. I believe that every person sets their own path and makes their own choices. And everyone around us, they are a product of these choices. Each choice producing a change and each change forever a part of who we are.

Here I am, full circle. Back to my original thought. So much has happened in a year. Like a cosmic joke, every time I think there couldn’t possibly be any more changing to do, BANG! The Gods laugh while I pick up the pieces and learn to be new again. Changed. Different but still the same.

My Beautiful Man

You sooth away my pain,

As I fall into your arms.

You hold me tightly,

And fight off the storms.

The best thing ever,

You're my everything.

I hope that this lasts forever,

My beautiful man!

Fallen Star

All my dreams came raining down.
Bright hopeful stars,
All crashing to the ground.

One by one the lights went out.
The sky now empty,
It’s void filling with all of my doubt.

There was no way to be prepared.
My life now in shambles,
My secrets all aired.

This darkness is engulfing me.
A cold embrace,
Of which I cannot be free.

There is still one I can hold dear.
While the stars are all falling,
And the lights disappear.

The only way to ease the blow.
I still have your love,
And its warm sure glow.

Searching for Forgiveness

Unforgiving sky
Voice ringing out clear and sharp
Pouring out a soul torn apart
Tears steaming like rivers
Pooling in the dirt
The stars laugh down at me
My cries falling unheard to the silence of night
Streams of emotion ebbing and flowing through the very essence of the air
Anger, fear, and pain solidifying only for a second
Before dissipating into eternity
The tranquility of the outside
Waging war with the turmoil inside
Until raw and sore from raging against myself
I am born again, free from my burden
To emerge into a new day

Destiny

Memories flutter across the viewscreen of my mind, reality melting away around me, immersing my heart in the river of emotion. Stronger and deeper than I’ve ever known, it’s long sharp claws rake through me, forever changing all that I had come to be leaving behind the unfathomable certainty that you were all I’d ever wanted and will ever want. If the flame burning in your heart for me were ever to puff out in the furious winds of change, no one would ever be able fill the hole left in my heart. The remnants of your presence lingering forever etching our story in my soul, continuing to shape all I will ever be. Every moment shared with you snatched up and sealed in the halls of my memory to always remind me of the happiest time in my life.

Perfection is a Memory Caught in Time

The world is made of art.

Secret beauty locked away in every detail.

People walk around with closed eyes and minds.

But you see the world for all that it has the potential to be.

Snapshots of life frozen forever, saved from the decay of time.

Each pixel of wonder trapped for pleasure, capturing more than just the moment.

Neverland

I’m swimming through the cold ocean of space,
Rainbow coloured stars racing past, bubbling up to the surface.
Searching for the first star on the right.
Oops, ran out of pixie dust, and now I’m falling.
Down, down, down, back to the Earth, back to the ground.

There I am young again, 13, lying on my back in the grass,
My parent’s yard, the perfect place to see the stars.
Clear, cold night air wrapping around me.
My heart’s filled with wonder, faith, trust,
The world hasn’t stolen these from me yet.
It’s so beautiful out here and I know that everything will always be ok.

The darkness fades and I’m walking through a forest.
Sunlight is filtering down through the trees, lighting my path.
The cool crisp air fills my lungs with moist forest smells.
A gentle breeze sweeps through the trees, leaves rustling.
The world is at peace.

My eyes are closed.
I hear the gentle patter of rain on my window.
The computer birds twitter and tweet away.
I can smell him, sweet heavy aroma of smoke and sweat.
His hands brush the hair from my face and I open my eyes.
A smile is spread across his face, lighting the dark.
My heart swells with love and joy.
Stars shine in his eyes and I know there will never be another.
Soft lips press gently to mine,
And everything is perfect.

Lost Time

Time slips away. Like water, it flows through my fingers. No matter how much I grasp or clutch at it, I can not obtain it. I only want to freeze it for a short while. Hold it still in my heart for just a moment. So much has been lost to its ever changing force. And it tears at my soul.

What am I to do? I can never get those missed moments, that I long so deeply for, back. I look around at the world, moving by so fast, and know that I will never have the chance to shape your soft clay heart. My being aches at the loss. I cherished you in myself before anyone ever had the chance to know you. And when I first saw you, I loved you harder than I will ever be able to love another. Every time your tiny soft hands took mine and led me down another path, I knew that everything was as it should be. Perfect, care free, eyes smiling up at me. I would hold you tight, and every scar that toughened my heart would soften in your glow. Kissing you was like kissing an angel.

Now I'm just left with the emptiness of lost time. I'm haunted by the ghosts of what will never be and tormented by the memories of what was. And I know that I will never be the same.

I love you my Baby Girl, always know that.