From the Ashes: Reflections of my life.

All I want is honesty. That’s all I’ve ever asked for. Who can you trust in this world if you can’t trust your friends? God? Family? Everyone betrays you in the end.

I grew up in Helena-West Helena Arkansas. And for as long as I can remember, I never belonged. As an adult living far away from the place I grew up, my memories are still like nightmares. Horror stories read from the pages of a scary book. People out here look horrified by the tales of my childhood. Always, in my memories it is the worst place on earth. Even in the happy ones. The darkness of that place sucks at the edges, staining them with its fear.

I saw so many wonderful people broken and lost forever to its darkness. I was a lucky one. Even though I didn’t know it then, the way my parents raised me saved me from the same fate. But even with my education, I remember how hard it was.

My world was filled with darkness. At times I truly believed that I was possessed because I felt I could vomit and bleed darkness. Everything was in extremes. Sharp corners and dark shades surrounded me. My being felt dark, to the very deepest core. I was sure that I was quite insane and possibly evil. I had very vivid day dreams about brutal murder. I was aroused in a deeply lustful way by things of darker natures.

I began to feel cold and numb to human emotions. Isolated. I felt like I was separated from every person I came in contact with by a thick piece of glass. Unable to connect completely with even my closest of friends.

And as painful as all of that was, it’s only now that I’ve mad e it out, I wouldn’t change any of it because for the most part I LIKE who I’ve become but I’ve struggled every step of the way to get to this point. I moved away the summer before my tenth grade year. I swore I’d never go back. Then I took a journey that diminished the darkness consuming me. I found a light in myself that I never knew existed. I never would have found it had I not left when I did. And if it weren’t for that light when I returned later in my life, I never would have survived.

I swore I’d never go back but after losing my job and falling harder than I could handle at the time, I moved back. I had let my new light soften the memories of my home town. I let myself omit the darkness. Explain it away. I told myself it was the right thing for me. It was all lies. By the time I finally got away I’d already almost lost sight of the light.

Even though my light was bright it was no match for the darkness that had found its way by to consume me once more.

A Christmas Disgrace

Christmas eve, I lie in bed.

Ghost's from the past dance through my head.

Wish's, hope's, and dreams gone by.

And at midnight, Santa has yet to arrive.

No tree, no gifts. Not a crumb, not a drop.

No holiday cheer to show that Christmas is here.

And there you have, on this cold crisp day.

There it stands, my Christmas disgrace.

Reflections of the Heart

The year is drawing to a close. I feel beaten. My world has been turned upside down almost every day this year. Daily hurdles, utter chaos. Trial and tribulation mercilessly tripping me with every step. The world has been grey. Right and wrong merged as one, trembling strands of fear crushing my chest. I can't breathe. The world spinning out of control.

STOP.

I won't allow myself to fall into this pit of despair. I must look forward. Woven through the hardship and misfortune has been golden strands of luck and delight. Though thin and sparse the strands shine bright in my heart. They bring me strength and hope to carry on.

And I will not be beaten.

I refuse to be broke.

Never allow the world that satisfaction.

I am the 99%

I am a 23 year old divorced mother of two small children. My ex husband has custody because he makes $200/month more than I do. His parents are well off and got him a private lawyer. I live 6 hours away and pay $120/month (reduced from the $400/month, HALF my *then* income, that the judge wanted to order), can't afford to go see them, and can't bring them here to visit because I lost my place. I miss them very much. I can't get through a phone conversation with them without breaking down into tears. They beg for their mommy everyday. I'm only thankful that at least they're living well. I am not homeless because a friend is allowing me to stay in his garage. That's 5 full grown men, myself, and 5 large dogs living in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house. Winter is coming and there is no climate control in the garage. I have an AA but I work as a hostess living paycheck to paycheck. They just cut my hours from 30+ to less than 20 (closer to about 14) a week. I have no savings, no health insurance, no car, no credit, and over $30,000 in medical debt because of a genetic kidney issue. I work HARD!!!! I am scared! I am the 99%.

How the clock ticks.

It’s those times when you know that you’ve fucked up but don’t know what that even means. When consequences are unclear and lines are blurred too far. Black and white washing together in a furious gray storm. It’s those times when you learn that everything is relative. When logic steers you into an unfathomable truth that you’re really no better than any other man. Suffocating moments when guilt eats at every fiber in your body but you know that what you did was right. Shedding the tender outer petals to dawn a thicker skin. Growing and forever changing. Rights become wrongs and wrongs are suddenly so very right. The world a topsy turvy upside down tango in glass slippers. What are you to do when you must question and look deep for who you really are? Fear licking at our hearts as we worry that we may not like the person reflected back. Words and ideas and feelings sloshing around in your gut unsettling your heart. So many things you wish you’d done better and times that you’d wished for the knowledge that age had brought. Different eyes to the very same subjects. How are you to stand when the foundation below your feet is quickly crumbling? These are the challenges that make the person.

Birthday Contemplations: Another year. . .different but still the same.

I didn’t realize it. Not a year ago. Not even three years ago. I guess maybe I’d forgotten. Perhaps with age the sharpness that keeps me fierce had dulled. Perhaps.

Growing and changing. It’s all a natural part of dying. Dying, because the very second we start to live so too do we begin to die. Kind of a bleak outlook but real and true and right. Right as I’ve always felt since I began accepting the changing. To fight who you are, who you are to become, only brings wrong. And in wrongness we will forever be lost. I remember when I stopped fighting it. When I stopped hating who I was to be.

Seventeen. Seven years have passed. And the passage of time, of changes, has brought me now to today. Twenty-three years ago on this day, I was born. A blank page. The road before me rough and the world outside dark. Do you believe in fate? I don’t. I believe that every person sets their own path and makes their own choices. And everyone around us, they are a product of these choices. Each choice producing a change and each change forever a part of who we are.

Here I am, full circle. Back to my original thought. So much has happened in a year. Like a cosmic joke, every time I think there couldn’t possibly be any more changing to do, BANG! The Gods laugh while I pick up the pieces and learn to be new again. Changed. Different but still the same.

My Beautiful Man

You sooth away my pain,

As I fall into your arms.

You hold me tightly,

And fight off the storms.

The best thing ever,

You're my everything.

I hope that this lasts forever,

My beautiful man!

Fallen Star

All my dreams came raining down.
Bright hopeful stars,
All crashing to the ground.

One by one the lights went out.
The sky now empty,
It’s void filling with all of my doubt.

There was no way to be prepared.
My life now in shambles,
My secrets all aired.

This darkness is engulfing me.
A cold embrace,
Of which I cannot be free.

There is still one I can hold dear.
While the stars are all falling,
And the lights disappear.

The only way to ease the blow.
I still have your love,
And its warm sure glow.