Poet's Journel: Entry 1

No regrets. Right? Well, that's the way I'd like life to be but sadly that is not a reality. I do regret. Things I never did or said. Things that should have never left my mouth, and actions I should never have taken. I sometimes wish for time back so that things could be different. But really, it seems like that's just too much to ask for. I try to love life but it's hard to love what hurts you. And I try to live life to the fullest only to look back and see so much more I could have done. Hindsight's 20/20 right? Not exactly. It's always tinted with our own feelings. Things are never clear to someone when that someone is involved. It takes a different perspective right? Well, sort of. but not really cause a person with no involvement may see things more clearly but they will never see the circumstances correctly. So who can really truly sort everything out into piles of right and wrong? Well, I think that's impossible. There's not just right and wrong, black and white if you will, but there are those gray areas. Those murky places where it's hard to see a clear line. yeah, there are some who believe gray just can't exist in those circumstances but I, well, I believe in it. And it's always the gray that seems to hold the most regret. No one is perfect. And if anyone claims to be they are liars and you should keep your distance from them cause in the end they will inevitably hurt you. And everyone makes mistakes. I am just human. And in that single sentence I admit to every single flaw and imperfection that I have. I reveal all of my weaknesses and open myself up. Honestly, it's scary to be that open. I don't want to be hurt in those tender spots that I build walls to protect. But if I never take the walls down I have a dreadful certainty that I will never really live and that nobody will really know me. And yes, it's pretentious of me to think that my words or life may inspire someone. But sometimes I really hope it does, sometimes I really just want to make the world a better place. Even just a little bit. And you see, I think that's why I'm here. While everyone is out there searching for their reason in life. I already have mine! And that is something I will never regret. Who would regret that? Maybe my life means nothing to a lot of people but maybe to just one it means a changed life. And yeah, that makes me feel really good. Like I'm special even if it's just because I made someone smile when they were having a hard day. I know a smile feels good when my day's been less than stellar. A good laugh always washes the tears away and a good cry always cleans out all the smog that our hearts seem to trap form the pain and suffering in the world. And I don't blame any higher being for it. That's just the way the world is. For light to exist there must be darkness and the dark couldn't exist without the light. I've come to accept that this is just the way of things. And if we're honest with ourselves we'd admit it's only as bad as we let it be. I feel like each and every one of us has a little dark and a little light in us and it's up to each of us how much of each comes through. sometimes I feel sad because we let the darkness snuff out our light. And it aids in a scary hopeless feeling. I try to push it down but sometimes it presses harder into me and threatens to suffocate me. But no matter how strong it is I will not let it win because it would make my whole reason for living nothing. If I let that hopelessness consume me I would never be able to change lives. And if I let that happen I would regret it forever. And that's what I'm trying to avoid.