A Christmas Disgrace

Christmas eve, I lie in bed.

Ghost's from the past dance through my head.

Wish's, hope's, and dreams gone by.

And at midnight, Santa has yet to arrive.

No tree, no gifts. Not a crumb, not a drop.

No holiday cheer to show that Christmas is here.

And there you have, on this cold crisp day.

There it stands, my Christmas disgrace.

Reflections of the Heart

The year is drawing to a close. I feel beaten. My world has been turned upside down almost every day this year. Daily hurdles, utter chaos. Trial and tribulation mercilessly tripping me with every step. The world has been grey. Right and wrong merged as one, trembling strands of fear crushing my chest. I can't breathe. The world spinning out of control.

STOP.

I won't allow myself to fall into this pit of despair. I must look forward. Woven through the hardship and misfortune has been golden strands of luck and delight. Though thin and sparse the strands shine bright in my heart. They bring me strength and hope to carry on.

And I will not be beaten.

I refuse to be broke.

Never allow the world that satisfaction.

I am the 99%

I am a 23 year old divorced mother of two small children. My ex husband has custody because he makes $200/month more than I do. His parents are well off and got him a private lawyer. I live 6 hours away and pay $120/month (reduced from the $400/month, HALF my *then* income, that the judge wanted to order), can't afford to go see them, and can't bring them here to visit because I lost my place. I miss them very much. I can't get through a phone conversation with them without breaking down into tears. They beg for their mommy everyday. I'm only thankful that at least they're living well. I am not homeless because a friend is allowing me to stay in his garage. That's 5 full grown men, myself, and 5 large dogs living in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house. Winter is coming and there is no climate control in the garage. I have an AA but I work as a hostess living paycheck to paycheck. They just cut my hours from 30+ to less than 20 (closer to about 14) a week. I have no savings, no health insurance, no car, no credit, and over $30,000 in medical debt because of a genetic kidney issue. I work HARD!!!! I am scared! I am the 99%.

How the clock ticks.

It’s those times when you know that you’ve fucked up but don’t know what that even means. When consequences are unclear and lines are blurred too far. Black and white washing together in a furious gray storm. It’s those times when you learn that everything is relative. When logic steers you into an unfathomable truth that you’re really no better than any other man. Suffocating moments when guilt eats at every fiber in your body but you know that what you did was right. Shedding the tender outer petals to dawn a thicker skin. Growing and forever changing. Rights become wrongs and wrongs are suddenly so very right. The world a topsy turvy upside down tango in glass slippers. What are you to do when you must question and look deep for who you really are? Fear licking at our hearts as we worry that we may not like the person reflected back. Words and ideas and feelings sloshing around in your gut unsettling your heart. So many things you wish you’d done better and times that you’d wished for the knowledge that age had brought. Different eyes to the very same subjects. How are you to stand when the foundation below your feet is quickly crumbling? These are the challenges that make the person.

Birthday Contemplations: Another year. . .different but still the same.

I didn’t realize it. Not a year ago. Not even three years ago. I guess maybe I’d forgotten. Perhaps with age the sharpness that keeps me fierce had dulled. Perhaps.

Growing and changing. It’s all a natural part of dying. Dying, because the very second we start to live so too do we begin to die. Kind of a bleak outlook but real and true and right. Right as I’ve always felt since I began accepting the changing. To fight who you are, who you are to become, only brings wrong. And in wrongness we will forever be lost. I remember when I stopped fighting it. When I stopped hating who I was to be.

Seventeen. Seven years have passed. And the passage of time, of changes, has brought me now to today. Twenty-three years ago on this day, I was born. A blank page. The road before me rough and the world outside dark. Do you believe in fate? I don’t. I believe that every person sets their own path and makes their own choices. And everyone around us, they are a product of these choices. Each choice producing a change and each change forever a part of who we are.

Here I am, full circle. Back to my original thought. So much has happened in a year. Like a cosmic joke, every time I think there couldn’t possibly be any more changing to do, BANG! The Gods laugh while I pick up the pieces and learn to be new again. Changed. Different but still the same.

My Beautiful Man

You sooth away my pain,

As I fall into your arms.

You hold me tightly,

And fight off the storms.

The best thing ever,

You're my everything.

I hope that this lasts forever,

My beautiful man!

Fallen Star

All my dreams came raining down.
Bright hopeful stars,
All crashing to the ground.

One by one the lights went out.
The sky now empty,
It’s void filling with all of my doubt.

There was no way to be prepared.
My life now in shambles,
My secrets all aired.

This darkness is engulfing me.
A cold embrace,
Of which I cannot be free.

There is still one I can hold dear.
While the stars are all falling,
And the lights disappear.

The only way to ease the blow.
I still have your love,
And its warm sure glow.

Searching for Forgiveness

Unforgiving sky
Voice ringing out clear and sharp
Pouring out a soul torn apart
Tears steaming like rivers
Pooling in the dirt
The stars laugh down at me
My cries falling unheard to the silence of night
Streams of emotion ebbing and flowing through the very essence of the air
Anger, fear, and pain solidifying only for a second
Before dissipating into eternity
The tranquility of the outside
Waging war with the turmoil inside
Until raw and sore from raging against myself
I am born again, free from my burden
To emerge into a new day

Destiny

Memories flutter across the viewscreen of my mind, reality melting away around me, immersing my heart in the river of emotion. Stronger and deeper than I’ve ever known, it’s long sharp claws rake through me, forever changing all that I had come to be leaving behind the unfathomable certainty that you were all I’d ever wanted and will ever want. If the flame burning in your heart for me were ever to puff out in the furious winds of change, no one would ever be able fill the hole left in my heart. The remnants of your presence lingering forever etching our story in my soul, continuing to shape all I will ever be. Every moment shared with you snatched up and sealed in the halls of my memory to always remind me of the happiest time in my life.

Perfection is a Memory Caught in Time

The world is made of art.

Secret beauty locked away in every detail.

People walk around with closed eyes and minds.

But you see the world for all that it has the potential to be.

Snapshots of life frozen forever, saved from the decay of time.

Each pixel of wonder trapped for pleasure, capturing more than just the moment.

Neverland

I’m swimming through the cold ocean of space,
Rainbow coloured stars racing past, bubbling up to the surface.
Searching for the first star on the right.
Oops, ran out of pixie dust, and now I’m falling.
Down, down, down, back to the Earth, back to the ground.

There I am young again, 13, lying on my back in the grass,
My parent’s yard, the perfect place to see the stars.
Clear, cold night air wrapping around me.
My heart’s filled with wonder, faith, trust,
The world hasn’t stolen these from me yet.
It’s so beautiful out here and I know that everything will always be ok.

The darkness fades and I’m walking through a forest.
Sunlight is filtering down through the trees, lighting my path.
The cool crisp air fills my lungs with moist forest smells.
A gentle breeze sweeps through the trees, leaves rustling.
The world is at peace.

My eyes are closed.
I hear the gentle patter of rain on my window.
The computer birds twitter and tweet away.
I can smell him, sweet heavy aroma of smoke and sweat.
His hands brush the hair from my face and I open my eyes.
A smile is spread across his face, lighting the dark.
My heart swells with love and joy.
Stars shine in his eyes and I know there will never be another.
Soft lips press gently to mine,
And everything is perfect.

Lost Time

Time slips away. Like water, it flows through my fingers. No matter how much I grasp or clutch at it, I can not obtain it. I only want to freeze it for a short while. Hold it still in my heart for just a moment. So much has been lost to its ever changing force. And it tears at my soul.

What am I to do? I can never get those missed moments, that I long so deeply for, back. I look around at the world, moving by so fast, and know that I will never have the chance to shape your soft clay heart. My being aches at the loss. I cherished you in myself before anyone ever had the chance to know you. And when I first saw you, I loved you harder than I will ever be able to love another. Every time your tiny soft hands took mine and led me down another path, I knew that everything was as it should be. Perfect, care free, eyes smiling up at me. I would hold you tight, and every scar that toughened my heart would soften in your glow. Kissing you was like kissing an angel.

Now I'm just left with the emptiness of lost time. I'm haunted by the ghosts of what will never be and tormented by the memories of what was. And I know that I will never be the same.

I love you my Baby Girl, always know that.

The Judgement

I look around and I see it in their eyes. They're judging me. They don't know me but they're judging me still. I'm different. Not what they think I should be. People fear what they don't understand. And me, they don't understand me. I'm not a bad person. I believe in light and love and the natural beauty of the world. I find myself in awe every day of the wonders that the Goddess has bestowed on us, her children. This to them though, it is wrong. And so I am judged. My intelligence means nothing to them. My essence of being is tainted by my difference and that makes me wrong. No matter the beauty that glows from my soul I will always be the dark that they fear. I stand before this podium as the gavel of public opinion is banged and the judgement is reached. Guilty is the verdict bestowed upon me. . .

Beautiful Idol

I look up at you, my heart races.
You are the most amazing creature.
Too wonderful for the mortal world.

I worship you like a God.
You tower over me and engulf me in your presence.
Overpowering my sences with all that you are.

I am yours, completely forever.

In Control

Swallow. Deep breathes. I am ok. No one can get to me unless I let them. No one can make me react to these illogical emotions. I am in control of my mind. I will not let it turn to irrationality. I will not let fear consume me. Every time I feel that heavy warmth in the pit of my stomach I push it down with all of my might. I will not let it win. I can control these animal instincts. Too proud to limp away and lick my wounds like an injured puppy. I am the master of my fate and to let these dark feelings take me would be giving up the keys of my life.

The Breaking

A fracture, thin and delicate.
Pressure, solid hit.
Gasping for breath.
My heart racing faster and faster.
A raging fire; rushing, blazing.


I can't let it consume me!
I must not let it win!
I am strong.
Stronger than it!
Fighting to hold control of my mind.
Pushing myself back to logic.


Initial landslide.
Shocking pain.
A snapping feeling.
Icey cold fingers grabbing my heart.
Clawing, tearing, ripping me apart.


I am stronger than this.
I've been here before.
I can win out over this challenge!
Of this, I am sure.

A time to hope.

This last year has been hard for me. The eminent threat of the loss of my children for no good reason haunts my every waking minute. But the looming threat of imprisonment for my boyfriend has kept me driven to work harder and harder to keep everything in my life afloat. I've always believed that if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything.

With the dawning of this new year I managed to defeat the threat to my boyfriend's freedom but seem no closer to saving my children. My days blur together; work, home; work, home; work, home. . . Everyday the same routine. I try very hard to keep a smile on my face and hope in my heart. As this new year progresses I try to implant the idea that this is going to be a good year deep into my head so that I do not loose heart. While I'm still surrounded by the darkness of this world there is light ever reminding me that there will always be hope.